


I Thought

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 'Emptying Heaven', BAMF!Charlie, But he still hasn't, Cas is indifferent but also wants to help, Dean is realizing how women are treated, Dean's POV, Fem!Cas, Fem!Sam, In like a lull after Naomi let go of Cas, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, LITERALLY, M/M, Other, Set in a non specific season, She's here to help, They are spelled into chicks, They live in the Bunker though, and wants to put a stop to it immediately, done the you know, fem!dean, genderbent, lemme explain, my babes, tis a recording, we'll see where this goes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-18 12:30:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5928399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The misandric witch was a first, I'll admit. String of murders in a little town a few miles away from the Bunker, leaving trails of dead dudes in its wake. Normal hunt, in reality. Y'know, apart from being turned into chicks, Cas being kidnapped, having Charlie live with us for over a month.</p><p>But, hey, I had a pretty nice rack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It Starts Like This

**Author's Note:**

> First Supernatural fic. I love genderbending, I find it hilarious, so here's that. I haven't even watched Season 11, ya'll, don't judge me. It took many random scribbles in my Bible and various notebooks to put together something of a good property, foundation, and dialogue to make something with structure. In other words: This is very disorganized and I like pens.

Y’know, you’d think by now we’d go into gigs expecting more than just a werewolf or, in this case, just a witch.

But ended up as much more than that, God, did it end up as much more than that. It's like a story, more than anything.

It goes like this:

I was slammed against the wall, pieces of plaster raining down on my head. My head started throbbing.

(Okay, so it's not that eventful, but it's the destination not the journey or something like that. Continue.)

Sam followed suit, gun falling out of his hand. The witch- Victoria-smirked, one arm outstretched to hold us, the other keeping Cas at bay, igniting a ring of holy oil around him. “I was warned you’d come after me,” she purred, flexing her index finger slightly. Cas groaned and fell to his knees, entire body convulsing. I made a move towards him but was pushed farther back. “Naughty, naughty.” The bitch walked slowly over to me, eyes going up and down like I was a box of damn donuts, “Men are so imperfect. But you… you would do nicely as a woman. Maybe that’s what I’ll do with you. I was told I couldn’t kill you, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if a few parts were missing.”

Her hand went dangerously close to touching my crotch and I kicked my knee up, effective in getting her away. There was a crack as she poked my ankle and a white-hot needle of pain went up my leg. Broken. Just  _perfect._

She glanced at Sam then brought both arms down. We were slammed into the floor, ear crushing into the wood. Cas was frantically trying to push himself upright.

 _What was she doing to him_?

“Oh," her voice was obvious, like we were too stupid to understand, "I’m just squeezing your little angel’s nervous system. Don’t worry, it’ll all be over when I purify you. After some reformation, you’ll be worthy.” With a grin, as if we should be happy she was doing this, she glided away, probably to get the components for the spell.

I craned my neck, first looking at Sammy, who was grappling for his weapon, mouthing, ‘ _This bitch is insane.’_ I thought back to her rapid monologue as she calmly sent giant carving knives after us the second we closed the front door(not even Cas could do his wing thing; the joint was warded inside out). Males, apparently, and anybody that identified as such was 'useless' and 'taking up precious resources'.

‘ _No shit’,_  I responded and craned my neck to, whispering as loudly as I could, “Cas, how you doing?”

“I-I’ve endured worse,” he ground out. Needless to say, I was not convinced. Victoria returned, holding a tray with a bowl and corked up bottles of varying sizes. She placed it on the coffee table and sat down. There was a lull before she started humming, a bouncy pop tune I'd had heard on the radio a whole bunch. Annoyed the shit outta me.

God, I hated her even more.

Her hand curled around a luminous blue liquid, examining it before uncorking it and pouring the entirety of the contents into the bowl. She continued, getting through two songs and way too many disembodied animal parts, grounding them into a fine powder. It was a deep green, pulsing magic. Something poked my hip and I glanced to see Sam pressing the gun towards my hand.

‘ _You have a better shot.’_

I nodded, my entire arm feeling like I was being stuck through with ice picks as I inched it forward, finally curling my fingers around the handle and spur. Suddenly, she turned towards Cas, addressing us with the tone of her voice, "And finally.

“A feather from the wing of the angel I want to prevent from breaking the spell.” Cas froze, looking ready to fry the chick’s brains out of her head, and then some. She cast her hand to the seemingly empty space above Cas’s back. Her hand flickered red, an encrypted ring I hadn't noticed the center of the light, and for a single second I saw. I saw the giant black mass of Cas’s wings like before, the first time, taking up the entire house, curled and beautiful and she had two fingers pinched on a single feather.

She pulled. The scream that came out of his mouth was not human, not angel. Pure agony, violation. The feather shimmered into existence, like a swirl of ink, and she dropped it in, mashing it into everything else.

Cas didn’t move, going completely limp.

_No._

Sam was squirming, teeth grit, but I stayed calm. Everything in my head was alarm bells and Cas’s shout, the sound of a gunshot that hadn’t happened yet. But I stayed calm. I wasn't calm, but I stayed that way, feeling like the monsters we hunted. Cause I wanted to rip this bitch apart atom by atom.

The witch hovered a hand over the dust and murmured a chant in Latin, so much so fast, I only understood pieces like, ‘female’ or ‘away’. The dark green turned aqua, hissing as she shoved the hand in, scooping a pile into her palm. Now I had the gun under hidden in my chest, cocking the safety off.

She started singing again as she sprinkled it on top of their heads, spending extra time on me. When she finally turned, I felt the hold of the paralysis soften for a single second as she built up magic for the spell. I ripped my arm out, putting a bullet square in her back.

Her voice cut off as her entire body stiffened. We sprang up like damn flowers, and I immediately went over to the bowl, throwing it across the room. My foot was practically alling off, like a Barbie doll some kid's thrown away. Victoria had crumpled, eyes radiating hatred. Her lips were moving inaudibly, still reciting the spell. I shot her again, this time in the chest. Blood poured out, staining the floor. Smoke started rising around her, engulfing everything. She started melting, skin disintegrating, white bone visible underneath. I stepped away, dropping the gun and shouting, “Sammy, put out the fire!”

My brother swiped the flames away with his boots as I continued glaring at her, not looking away. She continues, with her last breaths, coughing in a feeble attempt to cackle before she fell away, a pile of blood and ash. And that ring. I scooped it into my pocket. Sam finished, grabbing Cas and slinging one of his limp arms over his shoulder. I grabbed the other one and held him up between us, the gentlest thing I'd done in a long time. We stumbled outside, kicking the door into place on the way. The police’d deal with the carnage eventually, anyways.

There stood Baby, patiently waiting for our next bruised crash, which was now, Sam slipping into the front and ordering, “Stay with him. Make sure he’s breathing. We’ll do what we can back at the Bunker.”

Without much fight, I nodded, pulling Cas with me into the backseat. The angel’s head rested on my lap, completely slackened. I put two fingers to his throat, feeling a fluttering heartbeat, finally exhaling.

“What’d she do to ya, Cas?” he muttered.

Obviously, I hadn’t expected an answer, but there was a brilliant blue flash as his eyes opened slightly, “She-She touched me. Me, my actual form. She clawed my grace, Dean, without my permission.” His voice was hoarse, like the scream had rawed out his throat. It made me want to go back and grab her out of whatever part of Hell or Purgatory she ended up in just to kill her again.

She had deserved worst.

Sam looked at me through the rearview mirror, “Is he awake?”

“Yeah.”

“Keep him talking. Ask him how we can help.”

“Cas?”

He shook his head faintly, speaking in another language, the lilt sounding like Enochian(by this time, we were used to him muttering things under his breath in the language and could recognize it).

“Cas, c'mon, we want to help you. We can’t exactly do that if you keep spurting gibberish.”

“I don’t speak Gibberish, Dean,” Cas whispered.

I do not know what exactly possessed me to lace my fingers through his and squeeze, “C’mon, Cas.”

“Holy Water. And bed.”

“Holy Water and bed,” I repeat, snorting,“but you don’t sleep.”

“To give an example, imagine having surgery done with utensils covered in tar. Mortals are not supposed to touch the bodies of celestial beings unless allowed or inhabited by another angel. In order to heal, I need to regenerate it away.”

“So you’re sleeping away the ‘contamination’?”

“Basically.”

I finally relaxed, looking over at Sammy, “Do you think the spell worked, Sam?”

“I mean, we’re not girls.”

“You sure? I mean, Cas and I aren’t, but you," I pulled a lock of his hair, "I'm not so sure about."

“I hate you,” Sam groaned.

“Me too. Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

✫✫✫

I helped Cas out of his trench coat since he was already starting to nod off and started insisting he was going to sleep in it. To which I responded, "Like hell. Bad enough you're not taking a shower, you are  _not_ sleeping in this thing."

"I like it."

"I'm washing it." Sure, call me a neat freak. I might be covered in sulfur and guts most of the time, but if I can help it, I'm cleaning. I attempted to go in front of him to get the tie too but ended up shoving my ankl.e into an awkward position. The adrenaline had long since worn off and I felt the full force of the break, hissing.

He immediately snapped to attention, completely turning around and grabbing my upper arms before I fell, "You're hurt."

"I'm aware, Cas."

"Maybe I can-"

I stopped him, "No. No angel hoodoo bullshit after you  _passed out_. Sleep, I'll dress it, and you can do your thing tomorrow if you're better." Cas started and I grabbed his wrists, sitting him down on the bed. "Sleep."

"You don't tell me what to do."

"Yeah, well, now I do."

He glared at me with those asshole eyes of his, because no one deserved to have eyes like those, angel or not. I limped away, shutting off the light and muttering, "G'night," before closing the door.

I went to the kitchen and allowed Sam to, as I promised, cover my foot in bandages and ice. He fetched the crutches we kept as back up and I washed my face, prompting to take a full bath tomorrow if Cas healed it. I didn't realize his scream was still replaying in my mind until I went to my room, dropped on my bed after taking everything off except my boxers. There it was. Piercing, blood curdling, like that day at the gas station, when he thought I was a 'righteous man' that could hear his true voice.

Yeah, I'm fucking righteous, Cas.

Real fucking righteous.

✫✫✫

I fell asleep on my stomach, and woke up an my stomach. That's how I knew. There was an ache, my chest hurt. I pushed myself up and felt a drop. Hurt. I turned and sat up, putting a hand to my heart. Boobs. I instantly knew, having touched my fair share, I'll admit(I was proud of that back then, I'm proud of that now. I'm bisexual, not an idiot). Except, y'know, there was a difference because they were  _attached to me._  

Instead of screaming for Sam, as per my immediate first thought, I swung my legs to touch the ground. Remembered my ankle. Grabbed the crutches and pulled on a shirt best I could.  _Then_ I shouted, " _Sammy!"_

The fastest I could go on the crutches was the pace Cas could run, which was none since he barely even walked. But I hobbled over as fast as I could, kicking the door open with my good foot. On my brother's bed, wildly looking down at herself, was a chick. Longest hair I'd ever seen, tangled, the colour of bird seed. She saw me, gasping. Hazel eyes, the shape like mine. Like Sam's.

Sam's favourite Stanford shirt.

Sam's flannel pyjama bottoms.

Sam. 

 _"_ I think the spell worked."

She-He-snarled, "You think?!" Hurriedly shoving the blankets away, he scrambled to the mirror in the corner of the room, looking himself over.

I went up next to him, "Make way for the handicapped!" And took a look-see. I-and I swear I'm not conceited- was hot. I mean, it was still me. My nose, eyes, hair, even if it reached just past my shoulders now, freckles. But my jaw was shaved off, rounder, and my build was smaller. Like, by an entire foot. The only upside, apart from the obvious, was my now owning of a huge rack. Which I told Sam.

"Dude, my rack is huge."

"Ugh, Dean, I don't care-"

"You're just jealous mine's bigger than yours-"

"Let's switch back, see what you're saying then-"

"At least it was not just me," said a voice behind us. A girl's, husky, like she had chugged three cups of gravel and was ready to burn down nations. We turned and I took a step back, gaping.

Yes, I was  _hot_.

But this one, she, she was...

She was beautiful.

This curly dark hair running right to the top of her ribs, falling everywhere. Even smaller than me, but still carrying an air of 'don't fucking touch me'. These lips, man, I swear in any other situation I would have been pushed up against by now. Cerulean blue eyes, the very same ones that had stabbed me last night. The ones no one but her had the right to have.

Him.

Cas.

_Cas._

Cas was beautiful.

"Cas." Sam said, not a question, a statement, a reassurance.

He nodded. Curtly. Not paying much attention. He was staring at both of us, gaze flickering towards me and widening considerably. I didn't notice my mouth was still open unti, Sam closed it. I gulped.

Good thing chicks couldn't get boners.


	2. Continues Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie helps, the boys go to a bar, and they all find a key component to turning back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clarify, FYI, Dean doesn't just all of a sudden realize he 'like-likes' Cas just cause he's a chick. That'll be explained later. Also, anything in paranthesis is sort of After!Dean, which is to say the one who's already been through it. I dunno, man, my writing's weird.

(Me: "I have to completely change my thing because  _someone_ couldn't just let me narrate-"

Angel: "I want to help. And that is not my name."

Me: "I know, asshole. Now shut up. You bribed me with pie, that's the _only_ reason I'm letting you do this."

Angel: "Not just pie-"

So it continues:)

The moment of silence was horrible. We weren't taking action, and I was taking way too long to process Cas, so I ripped my eyes away and instead looked at Sam, "We need to do something. Now."

He got this look on his face, the one he always made when he was concentrating really hard on a problem he didn't get on his homework. I used to call it the 'Dad's Cooking Again' face, 'cause it always made him laugh. I say it now, elbowing his ribs. He chuckles, "Okay, okay. I got it. Charlie. We call Charlie, get her over here, ask her to help us. She's a professional at this, right?"

"A professional at overnight sex changes?" asked Cas, tilting his head to the side(You do that a lot. "No I don't!")

He blinked and shook his head, "At being a  _girl_. Dean, you call, I'll be on breakfast duty." He grabbed his phone on the way out, throwing it at me. I caught it on a reflex, almost tipping over since the one crutch dropped. His back was turned, already going towards the kitchen. But, oh of course,  _he_ saw. I barely had time to register it before Cas was kneeling right in front of me, lightly touching my foot. Now I did fall, straight on my ass.

" _Fuck_ , Cas, I told you not to-"

"I can mend the bone now."

"Like hell-"

"Quite the opposite actually," he muttered, setting both palms on either side of my calf. I noticed the scratches on the side of his face and the deep bags under his eyes. Geez, he hadn't even fixed himself upright.

I, once again in the last twenty-four hours, grabbed his wrists and pulled them away, "Cas, you still haven't even mended yourself."

"I'm okay."

"No you're not."

"I thought humans just accepted that answer and ignored if something really was wrong," his eyebrows furrowed and he looked up, now inches away. I held his eyes, trying not to give away how much I literally wanted to pounce(I was all sorts of messed up, really, still am). 

I squirmed away, dropping his hands, "Well, not me. Not now, anyways. When that goes away," I pointed at his bruised cheekbone, "I'll let you." Doing that angel thing he always frigging did, he was standing, holding my crutches in one hand, holding out the other for me to stand up. But, I assure you, he did  _not_ look happy about it.

Waving him away, I grabbed myself upright with the couch, and took them. He disappeared. I sat down and adjusted the height of the crutches, considering my shortened state. Picking up the phone, I dialed Charlie's number and waited.

" _What up, bitch?"_

"Hey, Charlie-"

" _You're not Sam."_

"Right, yeah, I'm Dean."

_"You're a chick. Last I checked, and I've checked, Dean isn't a chick."_

"Sunshine, it's a long story. I swear it's me."

_"You're tone is condescending enough for me to believe that. What do you want, person I don't quite trust?"_

"Meet us at the Bunker ASAP."

" _Okay, starting to trust a little more since you know about the Bunker. I'll be there."_ I hung up and threw the phone on the bed. Sam called my name and I walked to the kitchen

Cas was standing with him, head snapping towards me when I entered. "Victoria said someone warned her we'd be coming, Dean. That's another thing we need to figure out."

In the chaos if trying to get everybody back in one piece, I'd forgotten about that. And the ring. "The ring. She had that ring she'd used to..." I stopped. They nodded, Sam turning from the eggs he was scrambling.

"Did you see it?"

"Better. Cas, could you get my jacket-"

Wings flapped for half a second before coming again and Cas was back in with my jacket, throwing it on the desk. I reached into my pockets, pulling out the thing and placing it in front of all of us on the island. It was some kind of warped metal, not iron obviously. There were scripts carved into it, practically microscopic. Sam reached for it but Cas grabbed it first, putting it close to his face, examining the entire thing. He dropped it.

"Angel made, but a demon gave it to her. It's purpose is to jump an angel out of their vessel in the worst way possible, which is to say," he flicked the ring towards us, "by ripping them out."

"That's why she could touch you?"

He nodded grimly. It was weird to see expressions and movements I'm so used to in the form of a man in a woman. But it was Cas, the way he fidgeted his hands, pressed his lips together. I was staring so I closed my eyes and sat down, "Charlie's coming."

"Didn't she ask why you were a chick claiming to be a Dean?" Sam grinned. 

I nodded, relinquishing a smile of my own, "Yeah. She said she doesn't trust me that much, but she would still come. Probably armed with those katanas she bought."

"Definitely."

✫✫✫

She brought the katanas. 

I opened the door and she had one in each hand, pointed at me. I backed away, not easy when using crutches and stairs were close to my vicinity. She noticed, awkwardly walking in. For a second she stood guarded, scanning for any sign of me being a monster. Then she dropped her swords, gasping, "Oh my Ravenclaw,  _Dean_?"

"Y' trust me now?"

Charlie tarted laughing, leaning back against the door, "How'd you break your ankle?"

"Same way I lost my dick. A pissed off witch."

"Amazing," she mused. I rolled my eyes. We made our way down, Sam already running up to hug her. He, unlike me, was still taller than her. She ruffled his hair, "I never thought I'd find you two attractive. Just my luck, huh?"

I leaned back in place, "I never thought you'd be taller than me. Just  _my_ luck, huh?" She said I was being bitter. I argued, I mean, why would I be angry about something so small.

(I was pissed. Very, very pissed.)

Cas walked out of the laundry room, clad in one of my old t-shirts and one of Sam's gym shorts, which reached to below his knees("The shirt was tight, the pants were uncomfortable. Fight me, Dean."). Plus the damn trench coat, dragging behind him, the sleeves eating his arms(" _Fight me._ ") He froze when he saw Charlie. A small grin formed on his face and he walked over, extending his hand for a shake before Charlie pulled him close. A muffled, "Hello," could be heard between them.

"Hey, Cas," her smile grew, "you're even smaller than Dean."

He frowned pulling away, "My true form is bigger than the Chrysler building. Or, to put it in a better analogy, your 'Death Star'." Charlie's eyes widened, looking at me like she needed confirmation.

"Yeah. Bragging about his size was one of the first things he said to me."

"Now, I might not like men, Dean," she started and I whistled loudly to block out the rest of what she said. Cas didn't get it, per the usual, but Sam and her started laughing their damn rears off while he kept repeating he didn't get it("I understand it now. I stand by my opinion").

I groaned, "Christ, just shut up. We need your help."

"Yeah, _how_ exactly," she detached herself from Cas and dropped her things on the table, "am I supposed to help with this?"

Sam stepped up, "We need to go out and find a way to switch ourselves back. To do that, we need to actually be able to go out, and, er-"

"Your clothes are too big, and you need lessons on being girls," she abridged. We nodded in unison. "Alright, I get you. We'll go to the mall, and since you don't have bras yet, put on lots of layers. But, hey, you've already got that covered so-"

"We have ace in the first-aid kit. Why can't we just use that?"

She frowned at me and shook her head, "Wow, you really wouldn't last a  _day_ on Tumblr. That hurts your lungs, ribs, chest, just everything. We're getting you bras." Unzipping and placing her laptop on the desk, she shooed us away with random gestures, "Go change while I research our witch-"

"Victoria Fitzgerald. She was a teacher at an all-girl's school in Colorado.."

"-Victoria Fitzgerald. Now,  _leave_. All this cleavage in one room is disturbing my process."

✫✫✫✫

He came into my room just as I was changing my shirt. My luck, right? I shoved it back on,  "Christ- Cas-"

"I'm healing you, Dean, whether you like it or not."

"No." 

It looked like he had finally had enough because he strode over, suddenly so close I could feel his breathe. Last time someone looked at me like that it was Cas. And before that, I got laid. He snapped his fingers and I felt the throbbing in my foot cease. "I understand that we are friends, Dean. I do. But I am an angel. I know exactly how many hairs are on the top of your head, how many times you've breathed, all the times you've ever blinked in your life. I understand we are friends, but  _you_ need to understand that you do not control me."

Was it wrong? It really was wrong of me wasn't it? He did this all the time, whenever we argued, got close, skewered my eyes with his. 

I felt a flutter. I felt a damn flutter.

✫✫✫✫

Charlie was shooting out tidbits about Victoria behind me, Cas giving her input on how useful the information was or wasn't, as if his outburst in my room hadn't just happened. Sam was writing down addresses and phone numbers, pushing hair out of his face. I was silent.

"Here! Something useful!" She finally screamed, pointing violently at her laptop(we were in the car and there was perfect wifi. I don't know). "Most of Victoria's credit card and service is linked to an old club in town: the Magnolian Woman."

I finally asked, "And this is shady why?"

"It's been closed for thirty years."

"Right. Very shady."

Sam craned his neck to look at her, "Probably a witch bar. We found one a few months ago, a friend of ours called us up."

I snickered, "He was banging his dog."

Charlie looked mildly disturbed before Sam explained, "His familiar. You probably-"

"Yeah, I know what a familiar- yeesh, that's sorta weird." She shivered and I shrugged.

"I mean, she  _was_ pretty hot."

"Okay,  _how_ hot."

✫✫✫✫

 I kept picking at the bra, and she slapped my hand away. I groaned, "Jesus Christ, this thing is uncomfortable."

"Welcome to Womanhood, dude," Charlie called and threw another shirt at me. We were currently looking for clothes through the mall's Lost and Found. Cas, apparently,got what he was looking for and was changing in the bathroom. Sam had already found something 'suitable' as he claimed, being a dark yellow shirt, his own green jacket, and those jeans that stop at your knees. I was pulling on a ripped t-shirt that had, irony of all ironies, angel wings on the back. But, hey, it fit, and the wings'd be covered by my flannel, since I'd found that too. 

The only thing I could find in my size were white shorts. Now, I don't wear,  _won't_ wear shorts, and the principle still applies. 

But, man, my ass looked rocking.

I wore them. Proudly, even. There were an assortment of accessories on a small shelf and I whooped as I found a hair tie. Sam came up behind me and grabbed one of his own, making the quickest damn ponytail I'd ever seen. I blinked.

"Uh, er-"

"C'mere," he motioned with for it. I put it in his hand and turned, now facing a dirty mirror. He collected all my hair and combed through it with his fingers. I stuck tongue out at my reflection. Crossed my arms. Checked myself out. I felt a tug and Sam smiling as his eyes flickered towards me. I pointed at his image and did two okay signs. He tied off the braid and rolled his eyes.

Charlie came up behind both of us and praised Sam's hair skills, "Dude, you're better than me. How even-"

"I get bored sometimes."

"Cool," I touched it and nodded. 

The door opened and I glanced back. Cas. Cas in a tight, _white,_ button-up shirt. In a black- god fucking- in a black bra(If the same thing had happened now, that thing would be on my bedroom floor within the hour, I'm tellin' ya). I choked on my own saliva. So did Charlie. Sam's eyes widened, "Woah, uh, Cas-"

"Is it okay?" Yes, in all reality it was. He'd wanted to find pants, but the ones he wanted were way too big, and settled on an equally as black skirt that stopped a few over his knee. 

"I-yeah- Cas you look pretty girl-  _pretty good_ , I mean, yeah," I died. Just about. Never in my life had I fumbled so bad, save for the time that spell'd been cast on me. Christ.  _Jesus Christ_. Cas's eyes narrowed at me.

Sam saved me, "Your bra. Pretty prominent."

"It matched my skirt. I do not see the problem."

"Bras aren't meant to be seen."

He rose an eyebrow, "For the king's ransom we payed? I find that highly unreasonable, Sam."

"Well, society is 'highly unreasonable'. Point is you can't-"

"Yes, I understand," he sighed and grabbed the Victoria Secret bag(I'd laughed). There was a two for one and we were all able to get two pairs. Thankfully, he got one black, one white("It contrasted.").

When he finally came back out, and after a light bant of staring from myself, we grabbed out things and left. We'd found more clothes, some things for our confrontation of the club tomorrow."Today," said Charlie, "we're going to a normal bar. On you."

"Wow. So generous."

"Don't mention it."

✫✫✫✫

It's a nice little dive a few miles away. It was wedged between a couple other buildings and had a few trucks parked outside.

Charlie was telling us about the apparent 'eye-fucking' in  _Sherlock,_ "John and Sherlock, dude, I'm telling you. Johnlock."

"God, I've had enough with these things. First it was frigging Destiel, now it's- Look, why can't they just be friends?"

"Anybody who looks at another person like that are not 'just friends' Dean Winchester."

"Tell me about it, I get it all the time at home," Sam muttered.

I kicked him, "What the hell does that mean?"

"Oh,  _nothing_ ," he dug the heels of his hands into his eyes and leaned back in his seat. Charlie pat his head sympathetically. I got out of the car, closing the door and stretching my arms out. 

_Tell me about it? I get this all the time?_

I cracked my knuckles and undid the braid, running both hands through my hair. Hair. God, fuck my hair. Fuck the day, fuck the month, fuck  _me._ I've got Cas pissed off, the Tablet missing, Naomi still running around trying to find him.  _Fuck_.

This was all my fault. I thought about it, all of it. Back to the start. If I had left Sammy alone in college, maybe I'd have found Dad by myself. We'd've run away,  _stayed_ away. The angels never would have come at us, since it was only me, since I would never have gone to Hell and broken the first Seal, and Cas would still be pitch perfect up in paradise. He would be happy up there...

I thought about this every day, really. It was a vicious cycle. It could be a normal day, and then Sam'd complain about some injury or Cas would look at me with that broken look, and I'd think about it. Again, and again, and-

"Stop." I stiffened. Cas was standing in front of me, jaw set, "Stop that. I can tell when you are imagining something horrible. It might be a different meat suit, but it is still  _you._ "

I gulped and straightened up, "So you're telling me to just stop  _thinking_ , right? I'll do it. Just need a couple of rounds first."

We walked in, Sam and Charlie coming in right after, and I waved them away towards a table, "I'll start on the beers." The bar was being overseen my a dude cleaning a glass that I probably would have been taller than if I was still  _me_. "Hey, four bottles of your cheapest top shelf."

He chuckled, "I'm guessing you're the one paying."

I nodded.

He set down the rag and turned, talking over his shoulder, "You got a name?"

"Dean."

"Well, Dean, I'm Gabriel, call me Gabe," I stiffened for a second. He set down the four bottles, "Something wrong?"

I blinked, "No, nothing, nothing, just- I knew someone with that name some time ago. He was a douchebag."

Gabriel grinned, "Well, I hope I ain't that. Look, I just wanted to tell ya to watch out for those guys," he jerked his chin at a group of dudes in the corner of the bar, talking amongst themselves and glancing at our table, "they always cause trouble around here. But they're good for business. They do anything, just holler, yeah?"

"If anything happens,  _they'll_ be the ones hollerin'. Thanks, though." I grabbed the bottles and he winked.

"Anytime."

He was obviously flirting with me. I knew because those were  _my_ moves. They worked though. I saw the appeal.

I sat down in front of Charlie, next to Cas since it was the only free seat, distributing the drinks. He continued staring straight on, only

"Yeah, Gabe over there warned me already."

Sam put his beer down, "Gabe?"

"Gabriel, yeah."

"That isn't my brother," Cas mumbled, drinking his beer.

We talked and polished off our drinks in the next half hour. Since we was in the middle of telling Charlie about a ghoul hunt, Cas volunteered to get more. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, balancing on a stool to stay eye to eye with Gabriel. "Dean screamed like a little girl."

I snapped back to attention, "I did  _not_. I was-it was scaring off the monster."

"Yeah, except it had been a cat, Dean."

"Well, it was dark, and it fucking screeched."

Charlie giggled, raising her empty bottle, "To little bitches."

"Shut up."

Sam tapped his fingers in front of us, "Guys."

One of the dudes was approaching Cas. Doing the signature 'about to hit on you-one elbow on the counter' thing. When a guy does this, there are two ways they approach: actually waiting for you to say yes or no and backing off if you want them to and 'you don't have a choice. This guy was the latter.

 His free hand was drifting dangerously close to our angel's skirt.

"Come on, babe, promise I won't bite."

"I  _promise_ if you do not get away, I  _will_."

"Kinky. I like that. How about I take you home tonight, baby?"

"I have my own."

I didn't even notice myself striding over. I just knew it was happening because I was stepping into the tiny space between them, eyes narrowed, "How about you step off before you're six feet under tonight, bitch."

"Woah," he smirked, taking a step back, "this your girlfriend then? You lesbos? 'Cause I'm  _fine_ with that-"

Gabriel cut in, "How's about you do what the nice lady said, huh, Rey? Scat."

"Aw, come on. It could be fun," he put his hand on my right shoulder. There was something, a stark change, and it felt worse than if he had put it anywhere else. I'm ready to break his wrist when Cas comes up behind me and does it instead. Rey cried out and Cas pulls his arm down. He falls to his knees, trying to get his hand away. He glanced at me, Cas, and his eyes were vividly blue. Almost shaking.

He twisted Rey's wrist a bit before whispering, "If I hear that you are harassing anyone again, and believe me when I say I will," he pulled the guy to his feet, further dislocating the bones. None of his friends were making a move to help them. Nobody seemed to let themselves breathe. "I am going to rip this same hand off and shove it down your pants, and that will be the last time anybody is touching you again."

He nodded frantically and Cas let go. I still wanted to do something to this guy, I was still angry. He was going to touch- I mean- I don't-I punched him in the nose. He was knocked back, collapsing on a table.

The bar was silent. I turned towards Cas. He reached up, hand hovering over my right shoulder, quickly pulling away. My...

_"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."_

My right shoulder. 

Oh.

Gabriel whistles and says, proudly, "Dean, your girlfriend's badass. I mean, really."

"He-She's not my girlfriend. This is my..."

"I'm her best friend," Cas said softly. I wanted to say that wasn't true. Charlie was my best friend. Cas was... Cas...

"Yeah," I replied, patting his back awkwardly, "my best friend."

✫✫✫✫

 

 

We stayed until Gabriel needed to lock up. By that point, Sam and Cas had passed out, Sam still able to walk, one arm slung around Charlie. Cas, on the other hand, had fallen asleep with his hands clamped on my jacket. So I carried him, finding he was surprisingly light. 

"She's out like a light, ain't she?" He whispered, clicking the doors shut. I nodded, adjusting my grip to cradle him closer to me. "Well, tell her if she ever needs a job, to call me. We could use a bouncer with her 'spark'."

"Yeah no," I muttered, "if she was your greeter, people would spend money to  _stay away_."("What was that supposed to mean?" Your 'people skills' are 'rusty'.)

He gave me a thumbs up and ruffled my hair, "Hope I'll be seeing you again, doll."

"Ditto."

My car honked, " _DEAN! SAM'S STARTED DROOLING! HURRY!"_ I scowled, Cas pulling on my flannel. I waved Gabriel off and sauntered back, sliding Cas's body into the front seat and setting his head on my lap. It was miraculous. He wasn't bleeding, dying, or disappearing. Just sleeping. Charlie put her head on my shoulder.

"Goooooooooooo."

Me, being a practiced expert at drunk driving, got us all to the Bunker in one piece. We dragged inside, Sam shoving her in front of him, towards her room, which was near his. Mine was in front of Cas's, so I silently opened the door and put him on the bed. An angel of the Lord.

Blackout drunk.

Irony was a cruel muse, my friends.

"Dean," he slurred suddenly, catching my hand, "pyjamas. I need pyjamas."

" _That_ uncomfortable, huh?"

"Yes. Pyjamas, Dean."

I peeled his fingers away and went for the cabinets, grabbing one of the t-shirts I'd given him. When I turned back, he was throwing the majority of his clothes across the room. All except underwear. My face flared and I stuttered.  _Cas, naked, breasts, Cas's breasts. No._

Cas interrupted, "It's cold."

I closed my eyes as I made my way over, finally opening them when I handed the shirt over. He frowned, "Can you put it on me? My arms aren't working."

"Wow, great excuse, buddy," I muttered and did it anyways. He put his 'non-working arms' over his head and struggled into the shirt, settling into the blankets. 

"It is still cold, Dean," he complained and tugged on me again, "stay? You're warm."

"Sleep with you? Cas, I don't-"

"We are friends, yes? Friends help friends. Help me. I'm cold. You're warm." He repeated with a finality, like I  _had_ to do it now. And I did. I choked out a yes and went to my room to change.

I was going to sleep with Cas. Not... not  _sleeping_ with Cas, but it was still- I mean, it still was  _sleeping with Cas._ I pulled on boxers and shook my head.

It was just sleep.

Just sleep.

At least I couldn't get a hard-on in the middle of the night.

Cas was a bump on the bed, the sheets barely rising with his chest. I slowly made my way into the blankets, inserting myself as far away as possible. But, oh  _no,_ Castiel was not having any of that. He grabbed me around the waist, pulling me closer. His head rested just above my chest, hair tickling my chin. One of his legs fitted around my hips. There was no other possible way he could have been on me.

 I finally allowed myself to relax, tentatively turning on my side and putting one arm around his back and the other over his side. He burrowed even closer. "Goodnight Cas."

"Sweet dreams, Dean."

And I did not have sweet dreams.

I had a dream. And it was  _definitely_ not sweet.

✫✫

_I was me. Me-me. I was me, standing in my room, Cas standing right in front of me, just as he had this morning. Except he was still a chick, which was only surprising since I wasn't. He had that look again, the angry one. And it was hot. Really, really-_

_I kissed him. I grabbed Cas, one hand on either cheek, and kissed him. And, God, did it feel good. His lips felt like I'd thought they would. Because I had thought about it, even before today._

_But now he wasn't him, he was she, and I knew what to do with that. I did._

_His hands gripped at my shirt, lips parting, and I pushed us back, falling on the bed._

"Dean,"  _he moaned, and it wasn't the voice I'd adjusted to. It was Cas. I opened my eyes, and Cas was back. I felt the stubble underneath my fingers, and his grip on me getting bigger. So she was he._

_His eyes were blown, black and blue, his hair was messy._

_And I felt the pull to get away._

_But I didn't._

_I pushed forward, kissing him harder. I liked this better. I liked Cas, my angel, the one that saw me through my worst and worse than my worst and stayed._

"Cas."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched Deadpool and it was, god, it was so cool yo.


	3. And Ends With a Bang.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of things happen. Dean needs to get his head out of his ass long enough to see Cas's, Jesus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean Winchester is so hopeless, I swear.

(Cas is gone, so I'm skipping over some parts since the only eventful things to happen the next morning were Sam's head stuck in the toilet for a good part of an hour. And no matter how funny that was, I'm not reliving _that_. I'll start when we met Jeff.

So it continues:)

The club was, well, a club. People were dancing, music was playing, yadda, yadda, yadda, what was important was that we found what we were looking for almost immediately. We walked in and Sam and Cas dispersed to start searching. I was about to start asking these two witches doing vodka shots when a guy came up and hugged me. Actually hugged me. I shoved him off, hand hovering over my hidden gun.

He looked nervous, "You're the one who killed Victoria, right? You are Dean Winchester."

"Depends on who's asking," I said slowly.

"M-My name is Jeffery. I was Victoria's familiar, or some version of that. And I want to thank you by helping you reverse this."

It was check mark after check mark on our list for what we needed. I finally stepped forward, still guarded but enough that he wouldn't  _not_ want to help. Everything he said was said slurred together, and I still didn't quite believe him, "How do you know about me?"

He cringed.

"Answer me."

"When a familiar isn't with their witch, and they die, they get a flash of whatever, or in this case whoever, killed them. I saw you," he pointed, "and recognized you coming in."

"How exactly? If you couldn't tell, I've changed since murdering the bitch."

"She's done this so much I've been able to decipher what people can look like after she," he motioned.

His voice got quiet, and I could barely hear him over the noise. I grabbed his arm and led him to the backroom we'd mapped out as an escape route before coming. I slammed him inside, locking the door behind me. "Why the hell should I trust you?"

He was shaking, wringing his hands. He was short, about Sam's height right now, which wouldn't be much if we still had our actual tallness. "Victoria didn't have a choice but to be bound to me, and since I'm male, she immediately hated me. You don't do that to your familiar, it doesn't... I'm young for what I am. Getting stuck with her was the worst thing to happen to my life. I don't like being in people's debt, and I'm currently in yours, so please."

He said it all rushed, eyes flickering at each of us in turn. I pitied him, in all honesty.

"Fine. How do we mojo ourselves back?"

"It's a potion. It might take a little to get the ingredients, but by next week I can get it done for you. That okay?"

I nodded, "You have a phone, Jeff?" He took it out and I punched in my least used number, giving it back, "Call me when you have it done. I'll meet you at our place and we can part ways for ever after."

"Good, yes, okay... C-Can I leave now?" 

I left the door way, "Go ahead."

Jeff scurried away and I followed out, scanning for any sign of Sam or Cas. I couldn't see any of them. What I did find was some stranger grabbing me from behind and kissing me. Like, really roughly. Usually I wouldn't have protested, but I saw the flash of black. I drove my knee up and stumbled away, whipping both guns out into the open. People made a half circle around us, shrieking. Mr. Black Eyes smirked, "Dean Winchester. Little Victoria did her job... did I get your attention?"

"Nah. Try less tongue next time." I spit out. This was the piece of shit responsible?

He chuckled, "Funny. Now, down to business, because I think you know I'm not just here to get in your skirt." His face hardened, "The Tablet."

"I don't have the rock, jackass. Believe me, if I did, I'd have you back in your little hellhole."

He snarled and lunged. I dodged, knocking into people. Who also happened to be demons. They grappled for me and I fell, crawling through the crowd and only popping back up when I was near the back door. My there was a buzz and I took my phone out. 

Sam:  _Getting the car. Go out the basement window._

I texted him back:  _Be there._

I jimmied open the door, slipping through. A hand clamped around my forearm. I whirled, cocking my gun and firing. Cas frowned at the whole in his chest, then looked at me. "Really?" 

"I thought-"

"No time. Place is warded. Let's go." He dragged me across the room, to the stairs. Just as we started down, the room burst open behind us. We didn't even wait. I kicked the basement open and now pulled him along with me, using a pipe to jam the double planks shut.

"Window."

"Window."

I unlocked and pried it open, "Okay, Cas, I'll boost you up. Just go-"

The pipe broke. A gaggle of demons rushed inside.

Everything happened so fast.

I kept yelling at him to go through.  _He_ kept telling me to get through myself, that he would be fine. I had started trying to carry him through. He reversed it.

And smashed his lips against mine. It couldn't have been two seconds. I didn't even have time to close my eyes. The dream was an understatement.

He said something, pushed it into my teeth, and I felt it more then heard it because all the blood was roaring in my ears.

Ge grabbed me by the front of the dress and threw me outside, the window falling closed in front of me. 

I couldn't move.

I watched him turn on the demons, hands starting to glow, entire body going supernova.

_"Hey, assbutts!"_

And the place exploded.

✫✫✫

Sam found me and took me back to the Bunker. He kept asking about Cas.

"What happened to him?"

"No idea."

I was still numb on the details. I was still numb.

My damn mouth was numb.

Charlie danced into the room, connected to her iPod, loudly singing.

" _I'm walking on sunshine. Oh, and don't it feel-_ "

She saw us. Stopped her music and smiled, "What up? Where's-"

"Demons. They were waiting for us. The place blew, and they took him." I said bluntly and walked into my room. I ripped off the dress, the bra, the shoes.

Cas kissed me.  _Cas_ _kissed me_.

Cas.

_Shit._

✫

I left my room three days later. Three days later and still no Cas. I'd obviously  _left_ my room, but only to get food from the kitchen, then come back. Now, I actually took a shower, got dressed. Sam looked up from his computer as I passed, "Where are you going?"

"Out."

It was early, so the bar was empty, and I was a-okay with that. The only person was Gabriel, leaning back on a chair in the corner of the island, reading a book. He looked up when the door opened and grinned, "Missed me?"

"Missed the alcohol," I reply, sitting right in the middle. He stands, putting the book on the counter and squinting at me.

"You look like shit."

"Gee, thanks. You really know how to flatter a girl, huh?" I said it in general sense, dragging a hand down my face.

"I was actually worried for you guys. I'd heard you guys talking about that run down club, the Flower Woman or whatever, and saw it blew up."

I smiled wryly, "Yeah. Right."

He rose an eyebrow, "That wouldn't happen to be your fault?"

_"Hey assbutts!"_

"No," I cleared my throat, leaning back in the stool, "not mine."

"Then what's wrong? I know when something's wrong with people, Dean, I work in a bar. You have a bar face."

"I just need a drink, Gabe, not a damn shrink."

"Chatty Cathy over here, everybody," he said to no one, and grabbed two glasses, filling them whiskey. He put one in front of me and drank from the other. "If you won't tell me what's wrong, then how are your sisters? And your freakish tiny Hulk friend?"

My hold on the cup tightened. He noticed.

"Ah, so  _that's_ the problem," Gabe tutted, "You have a fallout? She steal your boyfriend or something?"

What the hell. It's not like he'd understand why everything was so weird, "She kissed me. She kissed me then disappeared."

He didn't seem surprised. There was a silence in which I gulped down the whiskey and put it down, staring at my hands.

"I mean, the kiss part I get," he admitted, looking sheepish, "you guys, the way you looked at each other..."

" _I get enough of that at home."_

"We're not- I mean I don't  _like_ him-her- like that."

Now  _that_ surprised him. He didn't look convinced, "Dean, I don't believe that for one second. You looked at Cas the way I look at my Freddy."

My turn to be surprised. "You're into dudes?"

"Yeah. Well, you know, I'm not gay. I'm bi. But Freddy, well... he's my world," his eyes got all dreamy and gooey and shit, "and that's exactly how you treat Cas, doll, sorry to break it to ya."

"But  _I'm_ not bi. Or gay. I just," I thought about it, "I'm not homophobic. Power to the rainbow or whatever, I was just raised to not  _be_ it."

Gabriel nodded, looking not entirely convinced, "Okay. Sorry for the misunderstanding. But, tell me, if you're here, what are you looking to do? Have a couple of drinks? Or actually get drunk?"

"What do  _you_ think?"

"I'll start on your tab."

✫

I got home late. Really late. Sam had left a note on the table, saying he and Charlie had gone out on a shopping run. I crumpled it up and threw it over my shoulder, stumbling into my room. There was a voicemail on my phone, which I had left, from Jeff:

" _H-Hey, Dean. Just saying I've found most of what I need. I just need to confirm the ingredients with my guy, and I can be there by tomorrow night.... bye."_

We'd called him to confirm our escape from the explosion. He sounded jittery, and hung up after a long pause. Weird dude, all in all.

"Weird dude, all in all," I repeated out loud and laughed.

Sorta like me maybe.

"Sorta like me maybe."

Yeah, I'd had a whole lot. That's what it took nowadays, to get me to feel any kind of buzz. The room was buzzing, too. "You drunk?" I muttered at it, shaking my head, "What would your family say?"

It didn't respond.

I collapsed in my bed, looking up at the roof and counting the black dots that danced before my eyes. One, two, three, four, same one as three, five-

✫✫

" _Dean. Dean, can you hear me? Dean!" I opened my eyes and sat bolt upright. Cas was standing beside my bed, wearing the same clothes of that night._

_I blinked, "What?"_

_"You are dreaming right now, Dean. I was able to project myself into your dreams for a little bit so listen."_

_"How are you so good at kissing, Cas? Like, who the hell do_ you _kiss? Apart from, like, Meg?"_

_He looked pained, and I had no idea why. It was just a question. "You went on a bender."_

_"You used the word bender."_

_"Dean, just_ try _to listen. Don't look for me. If you do, what you find is a trap. They know I don't know where the Tablet is, but believe you still do. They are using me to lure you out. I'll find a way out, okay?"_

_I had gotten up, walking towards him. He stopped talking when I put both hands on his cheeks, "Why did you kiss me, Cas? Why would you do that?"_

_He stared at me, sad, sad, sad. Blue was sad right? Blue was sadder with him._

✫✫✫

I was dragged out of my bed the next morning. My head was still mussy and I cursed over and over, rubbing at my eyes, "Fuck, Charlie let me go, Jesus Christ, leave me alone,  _fuck_."

"This is an intervention," Sam announced as she sat me down on the living room couch.

"At least  _speak_ quieter-"

"Cas. This is about Cas, Dean."

I started on all my excused, on everything I'd stored up. Then Charlie sat across from me and said simply, "You're in love with him, Dean."

"He's my best fr-"

"Oh please, Reyna Jerrod was my 'best friend' in high school, didn't mean I wasn't banging her," she groaned.

I bit my tongue, looking down at my lap. "Cas visited me last night. In a dream."

"TMI, man-"

"Like telling us about your pre-pubescent sex life wasn't. No, like actually visited me. He said the demons have him, but to not come looking, because he has a plan to get out."

"Cool, good, we have time to talk. You love him. Not even 'like-like'.  _Love_ , Dean-"

"Great, first Gabriel, now you-"

"You guys are eye-fucking all over the place, dude!" Sam yelled, "I constantly leave rooms because the sexual tension is so damn thick! God, do you even  _notice_ how much more openly you've been looking at him since this chick thing happened? Is it suddenly okay to do that because he looks like a girl?"

Despite everything, I still tried. I swiped to the right, attempting to haul-ass to my room. Charlie grabbed me by the shoulders and reinforced me to the cushions, "Answer him."

"Remember that time," I bit out, "when Dad started screaming at me-"

He made a noise, "You'll need to be more specific-"

"'If you want to take it in the ass, then take  _this_ in the ass.'" That shut him up real quick. I grunted and continued, "We had stayed in this town for a long time, longer than most, and I, er, ended up with this one guy. Guess I have a thing for blue eyes... anyways, I made out with him outside this old bar, which in hindsight was a bad idea since Dad was just as much a drunkie as me. Long story short, he saw us, I got my hide rawed, and I never did it again. Like, I still look at guys sometimes, but I never let it," I scratched the back of my head, leaning on my knees, "let it get farther than that.

"I could hear Dad, over and over, calling me a disappointment. I can't have that, man." 

They got real quiet. I sank deeper into the couch. I needed a drink. Fuck hangovers.

"Can I get a beer?"

Sam narrowed is eyes at me.

"Fine. Can I at least leave? Stand up or something?

"Your dad doesn't matter, Dean!" Her head was right by my ear when she screamed so I practically jumped off the couch, the hangover starting to act up again. She stomped her foot, threw her hands up, "As far as I'm concerned, I'm practically the token queer person in your little posse, so it's my job to tell you this: you like men."

My trained response tumbled out of my mouth, "I ain't gay."

"You're not! You're bisexual! You like women  _and_ men. Dicks and boobs or whatever, the point is," she gripped the back of her couch and looked me in the eye, "you can be in love with whoever the shit you want and no one in Heaven, or in this case Hell, can tell you otherwise. So you are going to forget all this damn brainwashing your dad bullshitted into you. Sam, start loading the Impala. Dean, put on some clothes. We're getting your angel back."

"He's not  _my_ damn angel. And he told us to stay put. So could we just," I swished my hands through the air in a 'Stop' motion. There was so much running through my head. It's like all the brain cells were breaking down from trying to process. Everything was on fire. I wish _I_ was. I moved, starting to my room again. Then I ran. I ran past my room, past all the rooms, down the hallway. Slammed into the storage safe. I wasn't proud when I kicked all those boxes down. Or when I swiped rows of folders of the shelves. I crumpled in the middle of it, legs bent at odd angles, digging the heels of my hands into my burning eyes.

_"Mayday, mayday, all past information on God knows what has been burned!"_

_"Save the alcohol! And that one chick from the strip club!"_

_"Think, Dean._ Think!"

✫

I put everything back. Slowly, the most patience I've had since forever. I left, pulling my hair up as I went. If we were going to stay like this for much longer, I would need to cut it all off. "Hey, Charles, you got scissors in that pack of magic? Maybe use the sword, Mulan style-"

There was a knock. A freaking knock. On our top-secret-magician-Bunker door. I immediately went into my fighting stance, grabbing the nearest thing to me as a weapon. A Wii remote. I wielded it like a rock, walking to the entrance of the house. There wasn't a hole to look through so I made sure the Devil's Trap was still whole and swung open the thing, ready to throw it. Jeff made a very unmanly screech, putting his hands up in defense. He had a tote bag slung around his shoulders, bulging there and here. I dropped the remote.

"Woah, woah, look, I thought you were a baddie, man. Nobody knows- how do you-"

"Caller ID. I'm still a witch. I tracked your phone."

"You could've just called-"

"No time. Let's just get this over with."

✫✫✫

He worked fast, without the flourish Victoria added. Mashed the thing, said the spells, bottled and unbottled what he needed. Charlie was fascinated, asking about everything, picking things up. He answered as he worked, still concentrated. I was just pacing, arms crossed. 

There was a muttered word that made the thing pulse purple. After separating it into three vials, Jeff stood up, wiping at his forehead. "O-Okay. Done. Drink after sunset, no later than midnight, or you might turn into a giant flower hellbent on destroying this dimension."

"Excuse me-"

"Just, don't." He cleared his throat and closed up the bag, handing me the potions. I took them, carefully balancing them in my hands. He made an awkward wave, Charlie meeting it vigorously, and turned on his heel, bumping into Sam on his way out. My brother almost dropped his food, rushing down the way he did. The food was forgotten, dropped on the kitchen counter. I shoved a glass in his hand. Put the extra with the food and uncorked mine.

Right before he took the shot, I put my hand in front of his mouth and checked the time: 8:47.

"Okay, now-"

"WAIT!" Charlie cried and grabbed our wrists, "Idea time. You, men four times larger than the clothes are wearing, are going to spontaneously blow up. In those same clothes."

After parting ways to our bedrooms, I took off all my clothes and put on all my old things. Boxers, 'Ain't No Rest For Me' shirt, pyjama pants. Perfect, good. I called, "Bottoms up!" and got an echo response.

I chugged.

Unlike the original change, I felt it. And, god _damn_ was it painful. I felt it in my chest, run through my veins. I blacked out for a full minute, leaning against the bedpost. When my vision cleared, I could see my hands. My callouses, my scars, my giant fucking hands. I cursed, stood up, the room so much smaller than before. Amazingly smaller.

I emerged at the same time as Sam. He smiled widely. I reflected it, "God, I never thought I'd miss your dumb face."

"What up once again, bitches!" She cheered, jumping to wrap her arms around our necks. I picked her up and swung her around.

"I can carry you again!"

"Fuck you!"

"Let's eat!"

✫✫✫✫

It was while I made fun of Sam for getting what he called a 'veggie burger'. The bun was lettuce, the bacon was carrot strips, the meat was constructed of various beans and nasty green things like that. I had said 'Christo' at it to make sure it wasn't some sort of thing that crawled out of Hell. I'm getting off track, there were more knocks. "Probably Jeff again," I groaned, chomping out a piece of my (perfectly normal, beautiful double cheese) burger. "Dude," I started, jogging up the stairs, "it worked, if you need directions-"

"I don't think that is necessary." 

Cas was leaning on the doorway, one hand clutching a bleeding slash in his side, the other holding up his body. The dress was practically nonexistent, ripped to shreds. There was a bruise blooming on his jaw, burns red and angry everywhere on his skin.. His eyes were bloodshot, red, on me, and wide. "You are..."

"Yeah," I choke out, stepping forward. He tried to stand straight and ended up falling. I caught him, holding him up my both shoulders. God, he was small. I led him in. Sam and Charlie had rushed up, taking him down. I followed, still-still-

_"Why did you kiss me, Cas?"_

I swallowed. 

"Get the juice, Dean," Sam breathed and I skirted past them, doing as told. They placed him on his bed, Charlie willing us to look away as she cut the final tatters of clothes away and dressed the wounds. I glanced at Sam. He mouthed, ' _You need to talk_ '.

' _Shut up_ '.

"Okay. Turn back." She stepped back, aligned with us. Cas held our stares, the blankets tucked to under his collarbone. 

"How the hell did you get so beat up?"

"Knives dipped in holy oil, holy oil dipped with knives, and a lot of fire." He churned out, casually, like he was explaining a vacation in Hawaii.

I set the potion in his hand.

He holds it up, examining it before saying, "I would like to be alone. Please."

We left.

✫✫✫✫

There was a short case we attended to the next day, right on schedule. Charlie came with us after we found out it was a regular ol' salt and burn. I sort of missed it. We went, checked out the lore, found the grave, killed the baddie. She got to slash through a couple of bats. We came back. 

Cas was all on my mind. Everything, God, everything was just  _CasisintheBunkerCasisintheBunkerhe'sbackhe'sback_

Cas with his beat up face and his burned up everything. I had punched a whole in my wall that night, covered it with a poster of a bird I found in a box. 

I was putting on clean clothes, shaking out the water from my shower.  _Tap, tap, tap._

"Come in," I said, unrolling the towel, expecting Charlie asking for a game of Mario. Though she wouldn't hesitate coming in. 

"Dean."

All gruff storms and lightning. All that stupid moan from that stupid dream. 

I almost drop the towel.

He's back. In all his ruffled-tax-accountant glory. That trench coat I've always wanted to grab him by and shove my tongue down his throat. Ditto for his hair, his tie, his anything really ("You do that enough now").

"Cas." I finally respond. He shuts the door. "They really got you didn't they? Even after blowing the place out?"

"I was getting away. But they managed to trap me with a reversed spell. I was trapped in the warehouse, they tried to torture the information out of me. Since I knew nothing, they got nothing," he shrugged, picked at all the frayed threads on his sleeve, "and, as it was phrased, they did not want to 'deal with a pissed off Winchester, especially the short one', if I was killed. Instead, I was able to break the circle, kill all of _them_ , and get out with all my limbs intact."

"They're lucky you had told us to stay put. If I had gotten to them," I turned so he couldn't see my face, busied myself with my records. I was mad, what could I say? Mad at those damn demons and Cas not letting us kick their asses. Damn Cas. The colour blue's been ruined for me. I picked out an old Beatles sleeve I'd never gotten around to completely listening to.

"Dean-"

"Why did you do it, Cas?" I pushed out, facing him. He was close now, not even a foot away. 

Ruined. Just completely and utterly ruined.

He searched me. Sighed and bit at his cheek. "I didn't know how long I would be gone. Last time I left you alone, you... you got Lisa. I watched you fall in love and I couldn't do anything about it. And I was always right there, Dean. I watched you for so long. I wanted it for so long.

"If I wasn't even going to be able to see you, I needed to know what it was like."

I watched his eyes flicker down and back up. The doubt. I wanted it gone. Gone from those ruined baby blues. He was an angel, for God's literal sake, he shouldn't have been feeling like that.

"You shouldn't feel that way. I can't- You're an angel. You should know better than anyone, I mean, it's we can't- we're both dudes, Cas."

"What?" He whispered. Shit, there it was. I had just struck the match and thrown it on the kerosene-soaked blankets of the bed I'd made for myself with only a paragraph. "After everything, Dean Winchester, this is because my vessel is  _male_ _?!_ "

The walls, I swear on my and Sammy's multiple graves, shook. I know because I was slammed against one of them, his face so-too- close to mine, teeth bared. Was it bad that was a huge turn-on? Probably. Yes. One of his fists was gripping my shirt.

"Of all the humans in the world, I had to fall for the most self-pitying of of them all, didn't I? I gave up  _everything_ , Dean,  _everything_. For  _you_. Not for humanity, not for Heaven or this world,  _you_. And you still don't think this is okay?All angels are indifferent about sexuality, we ourselves don't have genders! Fuck you. Do you understand me now, after all this?  _Fuck-_ "

_My turn._

I clawed that infernal coat and flipped us around. My fingers hooked into his hair, shoved his mouth up to mine. All heat and teeth clashing. But I held on, I jammed myself as close to him as possible. He took it, arms flying around my neck. I felt this glow, this tight pull inside me. My wish to be on fire was granted. I groaned. God, he tasted good. Like honey and-  _Jesus Christ_ (not that; I don't know what he tasted like, nor do I want to know), how did an angel know how to do that?

He was moving his chin in this way and grappling my jaw with his fingertips and I needed to breathe because I was going lightheaded with all the blood flowing South. I rested my forehead on his, finally pulling away. He opened his eyes, lashes brushing against mine, peering at me all half-lidded and bright. Fuck, so bright.

"This is why," I started, dumbly, since I was still trying to reason that this was a bad thing. Nowadays, I'm so glad Cas shut me up. It was the star to the supernova. Chaste, a simple peck.

"It is okay," he finished, "because I know you felt that."

"Are you gonna start on that 'profound bond' bullshit?"

He smiled, and my chest was practically bursting with it. His hands slid down my shoulders and laced with mine, pulling them down. Pulled me, into the bed.

"Oh, and Cas?"

"Yes?"

I remembered what he had told me.

Remembered every single frigging thing up to here.

"I love you too."

The rest is history.

✫✫

(So maybe I shouldn't have described, look, okay... I just thought you would want to know. I wanted you to know we're okay. I'm sure Sammy's tape has Gabriel mentioned. Unless you listened to his before mine, which means you know that they happened after us. Us. I love us. I love him. God, I love him so much. So freaking much.

By the time you hear this, I'd probably have proposed already. 

When Cas told me he could deliver things to Heaven, I thought about you. I know you're watching over us, really. But maybe... maybe you'd feel better with us there. You'll be happy to know, by this time, I would have proposed. Sam's assured me he's gonna say yes. He said yes to Gabe, and they were together shorter. They didn't have the 'bullshit profound bond'. I think he might be right.

This is the story of how I fell in love.

I hope you love him too.)

-END OF TAPE-

Dean clicked it off, tucking it into the box he'd made for this, wrapped in that frilly paper shit Sammy had bought at a crafts store. Usually, he was against it, but this was special. Really special. He sucked in a breathe, tying it shut. 

"Are you ready?

He turned to his angel, patiently standing in the doorway of their room. "Yeah," he said, cradling the thing in his hands. 

"She will always love you, Dean," Cas gently took the package, "You know that."

"I-Yeah, that's why I'm nervous," he smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets. His fingers closed around the ring.

Cas gave him a kiss on the cheek and started off, "I will return shortly, then."

"Say hi to her from me, alright, babe?"

"Sure."

He disappeared. Access to Heaven was stricter, but he only required to enter a person's personal heaven, so he was allowed.

It was a house. There was a swing set out on the front lawn, trimmed grass and planted flowerbeds. He knocked on the front door and it was opened by a little boy, about eight. 

"Who're you?" He asked.

"I have been sent to give something to your mother."

He scrutinized Cas for a second before nodding, "So?"

Nothing's changed.

"Dea, who's there?" Another little head popped out from behind him.

"This guy wants ta give somethin' to Mom."

Sam made a face. Cas bent to their level, "It is actually something very important. Do you think I can trust you to give it to her?"

They immediately changed in facade, scrambling to open the door wider and puffing out their chests, "Yup, yup, yup. We're repslable, right Dea?"

"Darn tootin'."

"Okay," he extracted the packages and handed them to the respective brother. Mary came up behind them, freezing when she saw Cas. He stood.

"Your boys say hello."

 

**Author's Note:**

> hot chicks. hot chICKS. HOT CHICKS! HOT CHICKS!


End file.
